Just faked a phone call to get out of signing a petition then got stuck in traffic
This must be how the guys in Space Jam felt when MJ gave them their powers back through that old basketball.
If the guy in the Hanes commercial was clowning my "bacon neck" to Michael Jordan right in front of me, we'd have problems.
Congrats to the girls sitting in the background behind the judges on tv talent shows. You're better looking than the rest of the audience.
I take my iphone off silent when I send an email just to hear the "swoosh" sound it makes
Rise 'n grid. Tweoples! New day, new way 2 b a better u. Only way 2 get 2 da top of da mtn iz 2 climb. Don't forget ur hikin' boots.
Does a bear sit in the woods? (auto-corrected sayings that still work)
I'm the king of letting my phone ring for a while before I pick it up so it seems like I'm busy
Fact: Every baseball player is required to spit at least once each time the camera is on him
I see a lot of angry looking people for all of this "lol'ing" that's supposedly going on in the world today.
In my darker days I did nude modeling for my local YMCA art class and
Which one is the "half man" on 'Two and a Half Men' these days?
"Your move, Ochocinco!"- Metta World Peace/Ron Artest
Attention Actresses: If you've EVER taken nude pics, prepare a statement now for when some guy steals/releases them. It's gonna happen.
Twitter has taught me to always enlarge a persons profile picture before judging them
People: Stop asking your dogs "Who's a good boy?!" 5 different times in 5 different voices. They can't understand or respond.
Shout out to the dude in the hummer on the 405 who just flipped off an old lady for no reason. The devil is smiling.
There should be a TV show where you go through peoples google search history unannounced and call it "You're Weirder Than I Thought"
"oh I KNOW you didn't leave me for for THIS chump?!?!?" -every person ever on Cheaters/Jerry Springer: I cheated edition
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